I haven't written in awhile but I need to get this off of my chest. I don't know if all the praying and painting I've been doing opened my eyes. But I need to write this even if it helps one person.
To You,
I woke up this morning bawling. And it wasn't from the pain you caused me when I found out you were cheating on me. This time im crying because my eyes were opened to how I allowed you to treat me. I had seen other people go through abusive and controlling relationships and I would tell myself that I would never allow anyone to treat me like that. And then I met you. You knew exactly what to say and do to make me feel like a queen. I fell for you hard and I really loved you with my heart and soul. The first few months were amazing and each day that I was with you I fell for you a little more. And then things started to change.
You started snapping at me over little things. The baby would be crying and I would try to help and you would yell at me to get away because all I did was get in the way. When I would tell you not to talk to me like that you'd say you were just frustrated. So i would back off from helping so much and you would get mad cause i never did anything. But then it started to happen more. I never seemed to do anything right in your eyes. You were always correcting me. Even if it was something I knew what I was talking about. When we would leave your family/friends you would tell me that I either didn't talk enough or I that I did something that was awkward or that I was awkward.
I was never allowed to post anything on Facebook without asking permission. Your reasoning was because no one needed to know what was going on in our relationship. I remember one time I posted a picture of you opening the Christmas gift that I got you. When your mom came and you were telling her about the gift that I got you she mentioned seeing the pic on Facebook. Once she left you let me have it and when I got upset you told me. I'm not mad at you you just know I don't like that.
Then when I would cook for you you would let me know about the mess that I made even though I always made sure to clean. And then there came the threats about breaking up with me if you ever found onions in your food because I knew better.
I tried so hard to please you but it never seemed like it was enough. Yes you would say i was great and that you appreciated it but there was always something that wasnt right. I was constantly told I was too skinny and you were always trying to make me eat even when I felt bad. And if I didn't you'd tell me that you would make me leave. But you were just trying to help me.Then started the accusing me of wanting to be with your best friend. Because you asked me how I liked his hair cut because you were wanting to get it done too. So I said that I liked it. Then right away I hear, you said that pretty seductive do you want him. You want to be with him. If I were to say anything in Spanish you'd tell me to stop or that you'd wish I wouldn't talk like that.
I had wanted to leave on many occasions. I now realized I was scared of you and how you would react because I would plan for it to be when you weren't home. Then something would happen. You'd either tell me that you were having a bad day. Or that you were scared that I would break your heart or something that would make me feel bad for you then I'd be sucked right back in. You knew that I loved you and I feel like you took advantage of that. I know you loved me at least that's what you said. And like I said before you did treat me like a queen but at the same time you could make me feel like crap. I felt like your puppet. And you sat there controlling me making me think you were my Mr Right. And even when you disappeared and I asked you what was going on you told me you were having anxiety and you were scared to get hurt. You told me you weren't pushing me away and that you loved me. While you were seeing someone else. You could have very easily told me but no you still were controlling me even when you knew you didn't want me. You still wouldn't let me go.
All that time I kept it to myself because I really loved you and I didn't want to hurt you even though you were hurting me over and over. I felt bad for you. I would try my best to help you and try not to do anything that would upset you. I became a pretty great actor hiding that anything was wrong. But during all of this acting i lost myself. I allowed a person who said they loved me break me down over and over. Though i thought i hid it well my mom informed me when this all ended that she knew something was up and that's why she would always make sure to tell me if I needed her to just call.
I can't keep this a secret anymore because it's just going to hurt me more. To all of you women out there. I know how hard it is when you love someone to overlook how they treat you. But you have to put yourself first. You have to love yourself because you show people how they can treat you.
